For dessert there’s carrot cake, triple chocolate cake, strawberry cheesecake, black forest chocolate cake, devil chocolate cake, banana nut cake, apple pie, cherry pie, chocolate and vanilla pudding, three types of cookies, three types of ice cream bars, cones and popsicles, and five flavors of Baskin-Robbins ice cream with all the fixings, including caramel and chocolate syrup, crushed nuts, whipped cream, and blueberry and strawberry toppings.

Are you in:


1) A posh country club

2) A commissary in a Forbes 500 company

3) An Ivy League school cafeteria

4) A federal penitentiary where convicted members of Congress are sent

The correct answer is none of the above.  You’re actually at a U.S. military base, Camp Speicher, Iraq where our soldiers, obviously, eat pretty well. That’s a sharp contrast to the days when our military had to settle for C-Rations....

And MRE's (Meals Ready-to-eat)....






I can just hear it, the anti-war crowd, normally not at all fiscally conservative that suddenly cries about the cost to the federal budget, questioning the practicality of lobster in battle.

Think there might be some grizzled old veterans who scoff and proclaim that they never got such soft treatment when they were fighting the Nazi's?

Give the Chicago Tribune some credit when it writes: "This is not to say the troops don't deserve a treat or two when they are on base, or as it's known here, 'inside the wire.' Many rise at dawn and spend hours armed to the teeth, patrolling in cramped armored vehicles, hunting for insurgents, looking for deadly roadside bombs or tracking down the next suicide bomber."

However, the reporter couldn't stop there because there has to be that catchy angle that makes this food find a real story. And here it is: Soldiers in Iraq are fighting, are you ready, a Battle of the Bulge. All that good food is causing a strain on the old waistline that rivals that feeling you had about 7:00 Thanksgiving night. Sorry, but if this is a story, it's a nice, feel good, human interest piece. There is no problem in search of a solution.

Let's think about this. Young military men and women in Iraq, where it can get mighty hot....think they won't work off a quesadilla or two?

This isn't 1942 anymore. Our brave men and women in Iraq or anywhere else on the globe putting their lives on the line deserve the best Uncle Sam can give them. The culinary no-no isn't the quality level of the food they're eating. The no-no would be depriving them of that very nice menu.

There’s a certain order, a certain regiment surrounding Thanksgiving. You might say the holiday has revered traditions. Here’s the longer explanation. Let’s start from the very beginning.

Thanksgiving Day morning. You wake up. Is McDonald’s open?

You drag yourself to the mailbox to grab the morning paper. Wifey-poo wants to see the biggest, best edition of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel ever. Well, at least from an ads standpoint.

McDonald’s is open, by golly. Even though you will eat your cotton pickin’ guts out in just a few hours, you must have grease and cholesterol and it must come in a Golden Arches wrapper.

What time is it? We better not miss that parade! I’ve been watching it since I was forced to when I was 6 years old, damn it! If I don’t see the Underdog float, there’s going to be hell to pay!

“Uhh, Dad, Underdog isn’t in the parade anymore. But Bolt will be.”

“DON’T YOU TALK BACK TO YOUR FATHER. UNDERDOG HAS BEEN IN THAT PARADE LONG BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, DO YOU HEAR ME AND IT’S NOT THE MACY’S PARADE UNLESS UNDERDOG FLIES ABOVE NEW YORK CITY ON THANKSGIVING DAY!”

Float after float.

Marching band after band.

“WHEN THE HELL IS THIS PARADE OVER WITH? I’M GONNA MISS THE GAME!”

NFL football.

Early. Very early on T-Day, even if it is the winless, hapless Detroit Lions.

I gotta see it. I’ve got money on the blasted game.

Repeat same tirade at 3:00 when the Dallas Cowboys play their annual holiday game in Texas. Only it goes something like this:

“Turn off that dog show. No more It’s a Wonderful Life. We’ve seen that junk a million times. The poor sap finds God and runs around town yelling and screaming like a maniac. PUT ON THE STINKIN’ GAME!”

That is the long version. The short version, minus all this keen analysis is that Thanksgiving is all about:

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TURKEY

All those other traditions come second.

Thanksgiving is about food and what you eat, and what you eat on Thanksgiving  is turkey.

And what you eat is turkey unless you’re one of two things:


1) Communist

2) Vegetarian


But, Kevin…vegetarians have to eat, even on Thanksgiving.

True. But they should do so without any fanfare and not ruin this long-awaited holiday for the rest of us slovenly meat eaters.

Thanksgiving isn’t about vegetarians. It’s about what Paul Ianaelli, long-time official with Festa Italiana told me about how Italians eat. He said, “Kevin, I’m a gonna tell you somethin’. Italians, they a don’t eat to be sated. No, no, no, Kevin. Italians eat to hurt themselves.”

Same thing for red-blooded, true blue Americans on Thanksgiving. You don’t eat brussels sprouts all year. On the 4^th Thursday of November, pile those babies on my plate!

Dallas is up by 87 points? No sweat, Undo my belt buckle and let me watch the 4^th quarter in sublime joy.

And it all begins with, after the 35 hors d'oeuvres you devoured before dinner, turkey as the main dish. Not beef. Not pork. Not lamb. The same dinner Miles Standish had that led to the famous sub at Suburbia.

That’s why this is so disgusting.

It’s just so wrong. No other words of analysis are necessary.

Miss Manners was recently confronted with a Thanksgiving family dilemma:


"Dear Miss Manners: This year I will be hosting a rather large Thanksgiving dinner for family. My sister-in-law will be bringing her boyfriend, who is a vegetarian. I had planned on offering several vegetarian options, as I want him to feel welcome.

My sister-in-law informed my husband they preferred that no meat be served, but if we insisted, could we make sure not to cook meat/nonmeat items in the oven at the same time, and could we refrain from ceremoniously carving the turkey at the table? How should I handle this request?"

Now hold the gravy, alright. Who does the twig-eating boyfriend think he is? He’s a guest, and he’s making menu demands? Hello, you’re a weirdo. Ever stop to think that 99% of the people you’ll be spending the holiday with won’t be satisfied with nuts, cardboard, and wheat thins?

Don’t cook meat with non-meat items in the oven at the same time? What are you, some kind of Pollyanna wuss? Don’t carve the turkey at the table? Why don’t you just go outside when the electric knife comes out and count your beads.

Miss Manners’ response:


"Gentle Reader: With the firm conviction that you are graciously attending to the needs of a guest by making sure that he will have enough to eat, and need not let him take over the running of the household.

You might also suggest to your sister that Thanksgiving, with its food rituals, may not be the best holiday which to bring the gentleman. Should he become a member of the family, Miss Manners would think your sister-in-law would want to hold family Thanksgiving at their house, where they will be in charge."


In my view, vegetarians at Thanksgiving are like atheists at Christmastime:

1) Nobody gives a rip about you.

2) You are clearly in the minority so shut your yap.

3) If you’re my guest in my house, understand this is Thanksgiving, Bozo. You make no, I mean no demands on me or my menu. Understand that turkey will be carved, served and eaten with great joy. If you can’t refrain from losing it, then kindly take your tofu-eatin’ self and get the hell out of my house.

Now that we’ve settled that, would somebody please pass the dark meat and the stuffing?


Here's last year's Thanksgiving culinary no-no...........and yet another. Do you really want to do this?

In Culinary no-no #86, I wrote that you shouldn’t stow away the charcoal grill just because summer is gone. Some places, you have no choice. It’s a case of you will not grill, or else.

I received an e-mail from a faithful reader who lives in the Timber Ridge apartments at 20^th and Rawson in nearby Oak Creek.  He writes:

“I had a grill on my apartment balcony from the time I moved-in in 2000 until last spring when the owners outlawed it.  I used it all year.  Last week I see a notice posted by the mailboxes.  They’ve decided that the BBQ season is over and no one can even store a grill on the property after today.  I understand a grill on a balcony could be a problem even if there hasn’t been a problem in the thirty or so years this place has existed.  What is the problem with someone having a grill outside a ground level apartment where it will be covered with snow for the next five months?  When I moved in we could have a charcoal grill on the balcony.  Now we can’t even have a grill out in the (large) yard in the winter.  It’s a mini nanny state. I really miss my grill.”

I empathize and feel his frustration, and might juts have to extend an invitation the next time I roll out my Weber. One could argue that those are the rules and that if the occupant wants to live there, the occupant must obey. However, just because someone has the authority and power to establish a rule doesn’t necessarily mean the rule is good. The Timber Ridge policy is a bad policy.

Let them grill!

Are you still with me?

Are you scratching your head wondering where this is going?

If you haven’t left, thank you, because it's ok. To quote “Soap,” another 70’s TV show, “Confused? You won't be" after I clarify. 

You’ve got to eat, right? To eat, you need to grocery shop. Little elves will not do it for you. So you’ve got to hit the supermarket and grab a shopping cart, and maneuver up and down aisle after aisle.


But how safe is that shopping cart?


Is it clean or really dirty?


Is it so full of germs that it warrants a TV I-team investigation?


“Deadly shopping carts…..the story at 10:00.”

No, it’s not hyperbole. No, I’m not laughing at my TV.

The average shopping cart can house one million germs. And you put your family’s food in there. Your child sits in there. Your child handles the cart, even licks it. My wife and I were just on vacation and saw many kids put their mouths on the windows and the seats of tourist busses. One bus driver told us about what rags looked like after he cleaned the bus windows. Yuck!

Maybe my friend at Meyer’s doesn’t look so silly after all. Walk in to the Franklin Sendik’s and there are wipes at the entrance doors. Scrubbing down the carts might not be such a bad idea. Going without wiping could turn out to be a no-no.

Here’s more from The Today Show.

The rain is falling,

The winds are swirling.

And cold, mighty cold.

It's a perfect time for.....





 

I live in a quiet, humble subdivision in the quiet, humble city of Franklin, or as I like to call it, "God's country."

For all the booming growth this quiet, humble city has seen since I first moved in, it's still pretty.........quiet and humble.

A rockin', happenin' place, it's not. And maybe that's ok. My guess is many people enjoy the solitude. Let me tell you, there are many times I think Max Sass is the mayor.

Take summertime. The sidewalks, as my late father used to say, get pulled up around 7:00, no later than 8:00.  Are people outside? Not if they don't have to be. Houses locked up tight. Lights off. Backyard patios? Oh, Franklinites got 'em. They don't use them, but they've got 'em.

Warm weather is grilling season. So when it's warm, that would be spring, summer and fall, I grill. A lot. It's that manly rite of passage. Fire, smoke, sizzling meat. Yet up and down my neighborhood, when I grill, all summer long, no one else is barbecuing. My neighbor across the street, maybe once or twice, but only if ten carloads are over.

Now the calendar says November and winter is in the air. Sunset is early, before 5:00. If my house catches on fire at 4:30, no one, I mean not a doggone soul will know. Drag the Weber out for a nice grilled steak? Are you crazy???

I grill all year round. It's why God invented the garage and spacious driveways. He did it for grills. This is so dumb. A guy will grill outside Lambeau Field with the snow coming down, but won't grill at home with all the comforts of home.

Franklin, and anyone else petrified of grilling after Labor Day, may I suggest you be adventurous. Be a rebel. Toss on the charcoal. Light away. Brats soaked in beer. Burgers. Steaks. Chicken. You name it. In November, December, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Jnauary, February. All year grilling!

Afraid of the cold? Get a stopwatch. I use it to time the cooking while I'm in the house yelling at whatever football game is on television.

Did you hear that, Ethel? That Fischer guy has lost his briquettes this time.

He's telling us to pull out the barbecue..........when it's less than 80 degrees.............after 5:00.

Why, the next thing you know, he'll be pushing for one of those nasty Target stores.

You know good a lobster tail tastes on the grill for shut-ins on December 31st?

Don't be wimps. Grill out. Today. Tomorrow. Next month. All year.

Not grilling because its' not summer is a culinary no-no.

Take a look at this picture:




Anything look unusual?

Anything JUMP out at you?

Look again.





Yeh, it's a pizza.

But not your ordinary pizza.

This one....



....is topped with frogs' legs.

Appropriately called "The Hopper Pizza," it's served up at the London chain restaurants, Eco. A British website reports, "The ‘Hopper Pizza’ is topped with between six and eight legs on a traditional tomato and mozzarella base with capers, fresh herbs and a scoop of anchovy sorbet."

Yum.

Now, I'm not fussy, I eat just about everything. But this just got added to the short list of dishes I won't eat. Hell, I won't even experiment, sample, whatever.

One animal right's group is calling the pizza, "barbaric." I won't go that far, but c'mon.

"We'll have a large sausage, onion, mushroom, black olive and frogs' legs, please"

It's just wrong.

This isn't the first time Eco has come up with a strange pizza.

*THIS IS A SPECIAL HALOWEEN EDITION OF CULINARY NO-NO*

When trick or treaters ring Sarah Wesson’s doorbell in Moline, Illinois, they will reach into a bowl, and could pull out, not a Three Musketeers, but a toy ball with a pumpkin on it or possibly some purple hair spider or other small toy. I guess it could be worse. Some poor kid might get a toothbrush.

Overly health-conscious folks are putting the kibosh on sugary candy and are handing out yucky alternatives like:


stickers

pencils

Play-Doh

glow sticks

rub on tattoos

mini granola bars

crackers

sunflower seeds

popcorn

rice crackers

dried fruit


WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

If you hand out this junk on Halloween, you deserve a bag of flaming poo on your porch.

Reporters overplay the obesity angle at this and other holidays. Health experts admit that binging on Halloween candy won’t make a child fat. How true. If a child is obese, October 31^st is not to blame. There are certainly other issues at play, like poor parenting and lazy, inactive lifestyles.

Let’s not over-analyze. There are times a kid just has to be a kid. This is one of them. Trick or Treat time can be cold, windy, damp, rainy.  Some nice youngster, full of grins and pride in his/her costume trudges up to your door, and you hand out……..a granola bar?

Is there a Halloween equivalent to the Grinch?

C’mon, man! Chocolate. Milky Way. Snickers. Malted milk balls. Tootsie Rolls. Nestle Crunch. Candy Corn. Reese's Pieces.  Almond Joy. Razzles. Life Savers. M & M's. Get with the program!

Of course, if you must don your Candy Police costume, here are some suggestions from the American Dietetic Association.

I say, don’t take the fun out of Halloween.

“Breakfast may really be the most important meal of the day.”
Dr Mark Pereira, formerly of the Harvard medical School, now an associate professor of epidemiology and community health at the University of Minnesota School of Public Health.

Registered dietician and blogger Julie Whittington from Lake Norman, North Carolina writes:

“If you are concerned about not feeling hungry in the morning or not having enough time to eat breakfast, perhaps you should re-evaluate your daily routine.  Ask yourself the following questions if you regularly skip breakfast or eat an unbalanced breakfast in the morning: (1) Am I dragging by mid-morning? (2) Am I grouchy and lacking concentration in the morning? (3) Do I tend to get very hungry mid-afternoon or late in the evening? (4) Are my other responsibilities (i.e. work, camp, etc.) more important than staying healthy?”

Hold that thought.

EPCOT at Walt Disney World in Florida is in the midst of their annual International Food and Wine Festival.

The Food and Wine Festival is about as gastronomic and gourmet as a theme park can get. At the yearly EPCOT culinary extravaganza, guests can sample food and wine from around the world at international marketplaces and specialty dinners, attend seminars and wine schools and meet guest chefs.

Pretty classy considering in the early days of Disney parks, the fare didn't range far beyond hamburgers and corn dogs.Of course, you can still get the standard theme park offerings, but the variety and quality have, as Emeril would put it, taken it up a few notches. The Disney Magic extends to the kitchen where some menu items seem to be exclusive to the Mouse House.The Kona Cafe located in the Polynesian Resort is famous for one of its breakfast dishes: Tonga Toast. It's decadent,a dentist's dream.




Tonga Toast is made with thick sourdough bread. It is slit and stuffed with bananas, fried and coated with cinnamon and sugar. Imagine this being topped with butter and/or maple syrup....

Now doesn't that look yummy?

Is your mouth watering?

Granted, you wouldn't (couldn't) devour that every day, but it's a fun treat.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the first 3 questions, you are not alone.  These are common side effects of missing out on a balanced breakfast."


OK. Bob Evans and that stuffed stuff is off limits if I want to avoid cardiac arrest. Healthier options?

From about.com:

"Here are some suggestions for healthy breakfast foods:

·         One serving of whole grain cereal like Cheerios or Wheaties with one-half cup non-fat milk, one teaspoon sugar, one hard-boiled egg with a glass of water. 270 calories

·         One slice of whole grain toast with two tablespoons peanut butter with a 10-ounce glass of non-fat milk. 375 calories

·         Omelet made with two eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, green onions, peppers and one ounce of shredded cheese with an apple and a glass of water. 410 calories”


So let's review.

1) The kind of special breakfasts that I like to splurge on every now and then will kill me.

2) Better (boring) choices are those listed above.

3) The experts say I shouldn't skip breakfast, but....

4) When I don't, it's still wrong.

Oh, the hell with it. I'll have an order of






PLEASE!!!!!


(Tonga Toast photos: Allears.net; EPCOT International Food and Wine Festival photos: Orlando Sentinel)

I’ll be a waiter’s uncle.

Culinary no-no on a Monday?

Consider it a bonus that just couldn’t wait until next weekend.

There really isn’t all that much to say about this except……wrong, very wrong.

This weekend, I picked up my brother and his wife at the airport on their return home from a Naples, Florida vacation. My sister-in-law made me think of this week’s Culinary no-no when she mentioned eating at all sorts of wonderful waterside restaurants in Florida.

Our conversation made me recall a former girlfriend. I was19, she was 23. I suggested we go to dinner one Friday night at Pieces of Eight. Located at 550 N. Harbor Drive, Pieces of Eight was Milwaukee‘s only restaurant on the shores of Lake Michigan.  My girlfriend at the time had been to Pieces of Eight (I had not) and reluctantly agreed. We had a good time, even though the less than glowing review she warned me about turned out to be correct.


Atmosphere: *********************************

Food: *

And that reputation hounded the restaurant for decades. Pieces of Eight was a great date place, until the entrée arrived. A new owner recently re-decorated the inside and the quality of the food did improve immensely. Then a Pieces of Eight became Harbor 550. Now, who knows what’s next in store for that site.

Milwaukee’s lakefront is considered sacred. When someone foolishly suggested putting up a McDonald’s near the site of that putrid snack bar at Bradford Beach, it was like tugging on Superman’s cape, spitting in the wind, pulling the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger. There seems to be, on the part of many, a mindset, that absolutely nothing should ever be done to or on Milwaukee’s lakefront beyond what we already have in the Henry Maier Festival grounds (Summerfest). I point out that there was a certain entity that ridiculed and chastised the late Milwaukee Mayor Henry Maier and his vision of Summerfest. It would never work, this oh-so-wise group argued because the idea was utterly ridiculous. Yep, that was yet another brainstorm from those geniuses who wrote editorials for, at that time, the Milwaukee Journal.

The restaurant that occupies the old Pieces of Eight is set to close this week. Milwaukee’s fabulous lakefront would be the perfect site for a high quality restaurant that matches that incredible view. The problem is, no one has that vision. No one wants to plop a 4-star dining establishment on that pristine piece of real estate, especially picky, finicky environmentalists.

So Milwaukee wastes a wonderful chance. Visit other cities, towns, villages adjacent to scenic waterways and you’ll find terrific restaurants taking full advantage. Not here. But we can have cigarette butts, broken glass, and a dilapidated snack bar, and that’s ok. Suggest, as I am here, a restaurant on Lake Michigan and the tar and feather brigade calls an emergency meeting.

Again, here is what might be in store to replace the old Pieces of Eight.

There’s nothing wrong with that, but how incredibly unexciting, and what a lost opportunity, truly a Culinary no-no.

Milwaukee's fashionable east side.

Yeh, right.

A rotten tomato fight was held in a parking lot near Beans and Barley on North Ave. A fenced area was stocked full of rotten tomatoes and about 120 people were allowed in to throw them at each other. It was part of the Second Annual Tomato Romp presented by the East Side Business Improvement District. Journal Sentinel photos: Michael Sears



Hasn't the cost of food gone up and up?

Isn't this a colossal waste?

Wouldn't it been better if the tomatoes had been donated to food pantries?

OK, everybody.

Just work with me, please.

To get you in the proper mood and frame of mind for Culinary no-no #76, please take the :30 to observe the following video.

I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Last week’s Culinary no-no #75 may have been a slice of sacrilege. My designated no-no was what some experts believe is the best pizza place that also serves the best pizza in America, Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix.

Bon Appétit Magazine claims it’s the best.

Forbes raves about it. So does Ed Levine, author of “Pizza: A Slice of Heaven.”

The James Beard Foundation named owner Chris Bianco, described by one reviewer as a “skilled, pizza-obsessed human being,” the Best Chef in the Southwest in 2003. Bianco’s establishment is the only pizzeria to receive an award from the famed Beard.

I’ve never eaten at Pizzeria Bianco. As I wrote last week, some of those pies look pretty good. And I don’t question the passion Bianco is noted having for making each and every pie himself.

But I stand by my no-no. Standing in line for three hours outside in an outdoor pizza oven for a pie topped with arugula?

No-no way.

There are words in the English language that are overused. One of them is “awesome.” A standard rule is that the younger you are, the more you utter the word, “awesome,” because it’s just so awesome to say awesome.

Another word used excessively is, “best.” He’s the “best.” She’s the “best.” They’re the “best.” It’s so awesome it’s the best.

When I was News Director at WTMJ Radio, one of my program directors, a good guy by the name of Steve Wexler used to preach that when we were on the air discussing/promoting/teasing upcoming stories or talk show topics, we’d better be able to deliver what we were promising.

“COMING UP ON NEWSRADIO 620 WTMJ, THE GREATEST ACT OF KINDNESS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. WTMJ NEWSTIME….7:33.”

That is NOT what Wexler had in mind.

Hyperbole often occurs in the subjective culinary world. Culinary no-no #63 was a perfect example. No, that burger didn’t change my life.

There is, I don’t want to say danger because that would be an exaggeration, but a definite risk when so-called food experts take on the challenge of selecting the “best” (there’s that word again) of a particular category.  The Food Network just broadcast a special called, “Top American Restaurants: Bon Appétit Picks the Best.” Food Network presents Bon Appétit magazine's best picks for American eats.

Can’t you just smell trouble brewing? Do you envision chefs tossing aprons at their TV sets? Would you like to be in charge of reading the Food Network’s e-mails?

Bon Appetit’s “experts” chose America’s “Best” Restaurants for steaks, burgers, ribs, tacos, fried chicken, and …….pizza. This edition of Culinary no-no will focus on the magazine’s choice for the best pizza place in America. Remember, this is the better than anybody else, numero uno.

Take a guess where this primo pizza palace is located.

One immediate guess would have to be that deep dish variety from the Windy City.




If you pick Chicago, that leads to an all-out shouting match with aficionados of the New York style pie.

So what city did Bon Appétit Magazine choose as having the best restaurant for pizza?

It would have to be Chicago…….or New York, right?

No no.

Try…..

Phoenix.

As in…

Arizona.

Bon Appétit Magazine selected Pizzeria Bianco as the restaurant with the best pizza in America.

 

Owner Chris Bianco is portrayed and described in the Food Network special as having a tremendous passion for his business and for crafting pizza.

He makes his pies in a traditional brick oven that result in an amazing crust.

There is the Margherita Pizza...


 


The Rosa has Arizona pistachios.

The Sonny Boy has salami and olives...





The Wise Guy has plenty of fennel sausage...


 

Gotta admit, that one loaded with sausage looks mighty tempting.

Okay, I sense a bit of uneasiness on the part of readers. Yeh, this is all fine and dandy, Kevin, but what’s the no-no?

My wife, Jennifer was out of the room for a few moments while we watched this TV special and I caught one of the many rapid fire shots causing me to yell to my wife, “I can’t believe this….it looks like one of their pizzas is full of green beans.”

It wasn’t long before we learned what exactly was on that pie. It wasn’t green beans. It wasn’t asparagus. But it was green, and patrons and the program host spoke with high praise about the Biancoverde.

The Bianocverde had three cheeses: fresh mozzarella, parmigiano reggiano, ricotta.

But what about that green stuff?

It was arugula.

Nice three cheese pizza right out of this beautiful brick oven, covered with a salad.