The Rambling Insomniac

Driving home from deer camp this year, I spent most of the time listening to National Public Radio. In the essence of the holidays, much of the talk was centered on food and traditions that come with this time of year. An interesting conversation topic came up that centered on the question, “If you had a chance to pick your last meal before you die, what would it be?” The responses were varied, and ranged from elaborate feasts to simple pleasures.

Interestingly, many of the responses were centered more on the memories that food can bring than on the actual food itself. Memories of annual family gatherings, special dates, and/or special times in people’s lives dominated these responses. I can relate to this, as one of the best things I ever ate was a hot dog that my wife and I split while we stood in Times Square as snow was falling all around us. It probably wasn’t the best hot dog in the world, but being at that place and time with Stephanie was very special, so I’ll never forget the taste of that particular hot dog. I also recall a trip to Canada in which we pulled the boats up on shore and cooked some walleyes over an open fire with our friends Steve and Suzanne. I can’t say I’ve ever had walleye since, that tasted as good as it did that day.

Some responses were based more on the “splurge” factor. Some people that have taken fast food out of their diets said they’d like their last meal to be a Big Mac, or a Whopper, or something like that. One caller stated that he has never tried a deep-fried Snickers bar, and before he died, he’d like to give it a shot. Being an overweight, overindulger, I thought to myself, “Dude, why wait! Go have one now!!”

But most responses focused simply on favorite foods. Lobster, steaks, burgers, ribs and pizza were standard answers. For me, I’d have to go back to an old classic if I looked at it that way. My Grandma White (R.I.P.), was an awesome cook, and her signature dish was fried chicken. From what I recall, she would fry it in lard, which is almost unheard of in these health-conscious times. She would also make the worlds most incredible chicken gravy form the pan drippings, and serve that over mashed potatoes. My mouth waters when I think about how tasty that was. Unfortunately, I could never have that meal again, since only Grandma would be able to reproduce it.

If given the chance to choose, what would your last meal be?

G’Night G’Town!

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn. ~Garrison Keillor

Now that we’ve elected our new president, and seeing as how most Americans have bought into the theory of “sharing the wealth”, I’d like to propose some changes for the upcoming Wisconsin deer-hunting season. I’d ask that the DNR consider the following regulatory changes to the hunt beginning this year:

To all Landowners
While it is recognized that there are countless private landowners in the State of Wisconsin, and as such, you hunt deer on your private lands, you will now be required to spread that wealth. This is regardless of your years of hard work and saving for the purchase of your land. This is regardless of the taxes you pay on that land. This is regardless of the hard work you have put in to manage that land. This is regardless of whether or not you have implemented QDM to grow trophy bucks…or labored over the planting of food plots….or all the work you have put in building big and comfortable deer stands. You now need to give all the underprivileged hunters an opportunity to hunt your pristine land. This is only fair given that fact that we need to share the wealth in our country.

To all Dedicated Hunters
Whether or not you hunt on public or private land, quarry of all hunters will now be shared equally between ALL hunters. This means that those of you that spend countless hours scouting and spending time in the woods will now need to share your quarry with those of us that sleep in on opening morning. This is regardless of your skills as a hunter, or the vast amounts of time and money you may have invested in equipment and skills to become a good hunter. It is only fair that underprivileged hunters that spend zero time scouting, and who walk into the woods late, smelling of booze and cigarettes, have equal rights to hanging a trophy buck on the walls of their homes. Yes sir Mr. Die-Hard Hunter, it is time to share your wealth!

Now I realize that my proposed changes may not be all that popular with my fellow Republicans, but for all you hunting Democrats out there, I am certain that you will buy into this. I’d ask that you immediately begin following these proposed regulations, and begin to share the wealth of your hunt with those of us that are less “privileged” as you.

G’Night G’Town!

Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true. ~Polish Proverb

For the past few months, deer hunters from the State of Wisconsin have been drooling over Internet videos of a large buck that was supposedly spotted somewhere up in Buffalo County. This wasn’t just a video of a large buck, but of a truly monster buck. Early word is that this thing has the potential to be a world record. Yes, this is the type of deer that would make most hunters wet themselves if they actually saw it walk out in front of them. A buck of dreams. A buck of legends. A buck of almost ghostly status. Videos such as the one of this buck are so rare that they usually raise many questions as to their authenticity. Was this deer from a game farm? Was it really shot in some other state, or was it really Wisconsin?

Well, it seems as if that video was real, and now that deer is no longer walking the woods up there. Seems a guy from Eau Claire has shot it (read the story and see the video here). Normally, I get really jealous when I hear about the guy that “shoots the big one”. It’s usually some die-hard hunter that spends all of his disposable income and time on doing nothing but deer hunting. Not that guys like that don’t deserve big deer, but it’s nice to see a normal chump like me shoot a big deer now and then. And it seems like this guy from Eau Claire is just that. In the coming weeks and months, well find out more just how big this deer truly was. Stories will be told again and again of this deer in every Wisconsin deer camp as the state’s gun deer season comes upon us in the coming weeks. The guy from Eau Claire that shot it will get tons of media attention, as well as a ton of respect from all other deer hunters. Not bad for a guy that his friends describe as “just an average guy that likes to hunt”.

I’m an average guy that likes to hunt as well. This coming weekend I’ll be up north with my buddy Dave, sitting in my deer stand with bow in hand, patiently waiting for the next world record to come by me. Of course, it won’t, but I’ll certainly be thinking about that big buck from Buffalo County the whole time I’m out there.

G’Night G’Town!

"Put on the lard and onions, honey. I'm gonna gut you a buck." Reuben – from Escanaba in da Moonlight

Well, I went and cast my vote today to elect our next president of the United States. If one were to pay attention to current polling data, I guess you could say that I was wasting my time, as one nominee clearly has a lead on his opponent. The media tells us that the lead in the polls is so large that any likelihood of a comeback on election day would be nearly impossible.

Knowing all this, I cast my vote anyway.

I must agree that it would certainly be exciting for this country to elect its first minority president. I can also see that given our country's current economic crisis, it would be easy to blame it all on the current administration. By way of deduction, it would then make sense to me why the particular candidate that is leading in the polls is so popular. But, to those that have been polled, and for those that plan to cast their vote on November 4th to this poll-leading candidate, I must ask you....Really America? Do you have any clue who you are really voting for?

Do you really support his plan of socialism to “spread the wealth” of all Americans? This means lazy free-riders can now kick back and relax as us hard working Americans will be required to support them with our paychecks. Are you aware of his complete lack of ever accomplishing anything in his political career? Are you aware that his only experience in politics came from the corrupt Chicago political machine? Are you even aware of his close ties to numerous anti-American radicals throughout his lifetime, most of which stand against everything that is truly American? Do you beleive in statements such as "It's not God Bless America, it's God Damn America"? Really America? You're going to elect this guy as our president?

I've always stressed to my friends and family that voting on election-day is what I consider to be a patriotic duty. However, voting for someone just because you “don’t like the other guy” flies in the face of this patriotism. I’d rather see someone cast a vote for their spouse, their dog, their Mom or even Elvis before voting for someone they truly do not know the facts about. "But he's so articulate and well spoken, we need change, and he says he'll fix all of our problems". Really America? You really believe that?

Please vote on November 4th, but please don't cast a vote for someone you know nothing about.

G’Night G’Town!

"Really America? Really??" ~Tom White, the morning of November 5th

After a full morning of yard work last Saturday, my wife and I decided to get out for a bit. So we loaded the kids into the SUV and went for a cruise to enjoy some of the fantastic fall scenery. We drove out west from our house on Monches Road, and drove past Plat Elementary (which is where our daughter Lyndsy goes to school). From there, we headed out on Hogsback Road, St. Augustine Road, and well, you locals know what I’m talking about. We cruised all through the Holy Hill area, and the colors were spectacular! We then took the kids to one of their favorite parks, which is Glacier Hills Park, off of Hwy 167. The place was packed. I couldn’t help but notice that most of the people there weren’t locals, but simply “tourists”. Not sure why, and despite the fact it’s a public park, I couldn’t help but feeling like they were invading our own private property. After playing at the park for a couple hours, we headed back home. Hwy 167 had become pretty much a parade by this point, with countless gawkers driving slowly and carelessly through the scenic turns. As we passed the roadside apple stand by Holy Hill, we noticed it was packed with what I can only assume were “city folk”. Not that I have any problem with people from the city, but again, I sort of felt like screaming, “Go home and give us our county back!” I realize that sounds selfish, and I should simply be proud that Washington County is our “stomping grounds”. After all, these folks are just here to enjoy it, just as we do day-in and day-out. I guess I’m just not much of a host when it comes to that.

Later that evening, once we had put our kids to bed and all the tourists had gone away, I was sitting out on my porch enjoying my evening smoke with a Beam and Coke. As I looked up into the moonlit sky to see a flock of night-traveling geese fly overhead, a shooting star split right through what seemed to be the middle of the flock. The peace and tranquility of that moment reminded me why so many people come out simply to visit our area. Thank goodness they don’t know what a dream it is to live out here, or the place just wouldn’t be the same.

G’Night G’Town!

I had rather be on my farm than be emperor of the world. ~George Washington

A few weeks back, my wife Stephanie and I decided to buy a laptop computer. Our goal was to simply have a laptop with wireless capability so we could use the Internet throughout our home.

Egad…we’ve spent nearly $2,000 thus far, and I still don’t have the ability to surf the Internet from our new laptop! Let me explain…..we bought the new laptop and wireless router, and we were all set to hook it up. When I tried loading the wireless router disks onto our computer, I got several error messages. So, we had that checked out, which led to us having to purchase a new computer, since the one we had (that worked just fine, thank you) apparently had a corrupt “mother-board”. Since Steph is a stay-at-home-mom, she has a lot more time to deal with these sorts of things, so I agreed to have her work on getting us a new computer. On the advice of a friend, she purchased a Mac instead of getting a Windows based model. Bless her heart for doing this, but let me tell you, having been a Windows user all my life, converting to being a Mac user is no easy task. Even the simplest things like viewing pictures or videos ends up like being on a safari (which is ironically what Mac calls their web browsing program). Additionally, it seems that NOTHING is compatible with the Mac. So far, we have already had to buy a new printer, a new router and several “Windows for Mac” programs.

Well, enough whining. We have had the Mac for about 2 weeks now, and we are learning how to navigate through the various programs it has. Many of these are quite “feature rich”, and seem nicer than Windows, but learning how to use them is no easy task. When I think about it, having this Mac has been sort of like raising our children. Until you have done it, you have no idea what to do or what to expect. And just like children, the more time you spend with the Mac, the easier it seems to get. Each day thus far has been an adventure with our baby Mac, and I just hope that as its Mac Daddy, I can give it the time and attention it deserves.

G’Night G’Town!

“Computers, huh?  I've heard it all boils down to just a bunch of ones and zeroes.... I don't know how that enables me to see naked women, but however it works, God bless you guys.”
 ~From the television show King of Queens, spoken by the character Doug Heffernan

….Epcot opened.

….Double Stuff Oreo’s made their debut.

….the Falklands war topped most evening news broadcasts.

….the Weather Channel made its debut.

….Cal Ripken started his first game of what would become a record-breaking consecutive-games-played streak of 2,632.

….the first Rubik’s Cube World Championship was held.

….Men at Work won a Grammy for Best New Artist.

….”Cheers” won the Emmy for Best Comedy.

….seven people died in Chicago from poisoned Tylenol capsules.

….the Boeing 747 was introduced.

….Tom Brokaw introduced us to the AIDS epidemic.

….Michael Jackson released “Thriller”.

….“The Computer” was the first non-human named as Time Magazine's “Man of the Year”.

….Microsoft Windows would not be introduced until three years later.

….the first Toyota Camry was manufactured.

….Ben Roethlisberger, Danica Patrick, Seth Rogen, Kelly Clarkson, Kirsten Dunst and LeAnn Rimes were born.

….Satchel Paige, Gordon Smiley, Paul Lynde, John Belushi, Randy Rhoads, and Henry Fonda died.

….cellular phones had not been invented yet.

….a gallon of gas cost 91 cents.

….the first issue of “USA Today” was published.

….”E.T. The Extra Terrestrial” was released.

….Lynn Dickey led the Green Bay Packers to a 5-3-1 record in a strike shortened NFL season.

….the Milwaukee Brewers made their last play-off appearance….UNTIL NOW!! It’s been a LONG, LONG time Brewer fans; go ahead and revel in the moment!

G’Night G’Town!

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.  ~Author Unknown

Unless you have been hiding under a rock for the past couple of weeks, you are undoubtedly aware of the recent financial crisis that has come about here in America. Long story short, several large investment and insurance firms, such as American International Group (AIG), have been teetering on the edge of bankruptcy as a result of the collapse of the sub-prime mortgage market. The crisis is serious enough that our government has stepped in and has now created an $85 billion “bail-out” plan for AIG. Under the plan, the government will basically take control of about 80% of AIG’s holdings.

Now I’m no Alan Greenspan, but this whole bail-out move is something I am really struggling with. Fact is, the American free enterprise system is one that runs on greed. As Americans, we want more money, so we are willing to take certain risks to get more money. In the case of large insurance firms such as AIG, they have capitalized on these risks, and when economic times are good, they make boatloads of money. But suddenly, when certain economic factors come about, there profits shrink down to nothing, and they end up in bankruptcy. Now here is the part I struggle with…why is it my responsibility as a taxpayer to bail them out? When times were good for AIG, I don’t remember ever seeing a credit on my paycheck that said something like “AIG Rebate”? Boy, that sort of sounds like socialism, doesn’t it? Scary stuff.

Again, I’m no Wall Street wizard, and I can’t say I have a better idea of how to solve this crisis. I do trust our government when they say that something needs to be done here, but I’m just concerned about the precedent we may be setting for the future.

G’Night G’Town!

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.  ~Robert F. Kennedy

The hills, dirt and Jesus. Just a few things I am feeling older than this week. You see, just the other day, I received an invitation for my 25-year high school reunion. I guess I was just sort of coasting through life really not paying attention to how old I’m getting, and WHAM!, I’ve been out of high school for 25 years!?!?

I’m sure many of you can relate with me when I say high school was not by any means a highlight in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I had tons of friends back then, partied hard and managed to graduate with a “3 point something” GPA, but for me, my life really began after high school. But that’s just me. I still have friends that can’t stop talking about “the good old days” of high school, and I guess that’s okay. Maybe for them, these were the years that shaped their lives, or maybe they were just the best years they ever had? It would be really sad to me if the latter were true on that one.

So anyway, I am feeling a bit old right now, but I’ll get over it. I have my own mathematical “philosophy” on the years we spend here on Earth, and it goes something like this:

Your first 15 years of life simply do not count. Face it, we were all too young and too stupid for these years to really matter. So, if I figure that my life started at the age of 15, that means I’ve really only lived for 28 years. When I balance my bad habits and vices with improvements in health care, I figure I am going to live until I’m at least 80 years old. With that being said, I still have 37 more years of life left, and given the fact that I’ve only lived for 28 so far, I’ve got a long way to go! And if I can pack as much life into my next 37 years as of I’ve packed into the first 28, things are looking even better.

If there are any other Class of 1983, Germantown High School Alumni out there that are feeling as old as dirt right about now, keep your chin up, we still have a long way to go!

G’Night G’Town!

Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  ~Mark Twain

This past weekend, my wife and I took our kids down to the Indian Summer Festival held at Milwaukee’s Summerfest grounds. Thus far in life, the only exposure to Indians my kids have had has been what they see on Scooby-Doo, so we felt this would be a good educational opportunity for them. My son, Buck, told me he didn’t want to go see the Indians because “they’re scary” (they are usually ghosts on Scooby-Doo). So, we went onto YouTube the night before and pulled up some Pow Wow videos for him to watch. This set him at ease.

We got to Indian Summer early enough on Saturday to grab some food before the big Pow Wow began. We were eating some Indian flatbread, which I referred to as “Indian donuts” so I could get the kids to try it. Once they tried the deep-fried, buttery, sugar and cinnamon treat, they gobbled it up. As we were eating it, I did my best Indian chant saying, “I like donuts, I like donuts, I like donuts!” My wife quickly scoffed at me and reminded me that I may not be exactly politically correct chanting like that sitting at a table surrounded by true Native Americans! No disrespect intended though.

We then went to see the Pow Wow, which was really cool. Many nations of Indians were represented, all in traditional garb. As they entered the Pow Wow area as part of the “Grand Entry”, they danced and chanted to various traditional Indian tunes. Before that, one of the leaders of the festival gave an opening prayer that was quite moving. While I can’t quote him exactly, he said something to the effect of “We are here not as a race, not as a nation, and not as an ethnic group. We are all here as people, to celebrate our Earth, our skies and all those people we share it with”. It was quite a moving prayer when coupled with the passion these people displayed in their dance, song, attire and celebrations.

Afterwards, all of the Indian Nations broke off into areas throughout the grounds and began traditional celebrations specific to their tribes. All was done authentically, with emcee’s describing the dances and chants so observers got an education on what the significance of every move was.

All in all, it was a great festival, and one I would certainly recommend to anyone. It was a great way to learn more about the many Indian Nations that exist in our country, as well as a great way to enjoy the Summerfest grounds without having to fight the major crowds normally associated with other festivals. All this, and now my family has a greater respect for the many Indian cultures, and my kids don’t just think Indians are simply some scary ghosts on Scooby-Doo!

G’Night G’Town!

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."  ~Vine Deloria, Jr.

The day after Labor Day, my daughter Lyndsy starts her first day of school. She will be attending the K4 program at Plat Elementary School. I had envisioned writing a mushy and sentimental blog that would attempt to capture all the emotions I’m feeling with this big step in her life. But just last week, my sister TJ handed me a copy of an article she had clipped from an Ohio newspaper where she lives. Seems someone has already written down all of my feelings, and likely those of all parents that have sent their kids off to school.

The following was penned by a gentleman named Dan Valentine, and to the best of my knowledge was written sometime in the 1960’s. It is titled, “Dear World….I Trust You’ll Treat Her Well”. Enjoy!

 

Dear World,

I bequeath to you today one little girl in a crispy dress with two blue eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long and a flash of light blond hair that bounces in the sun when she runs. I trust you'll treat her well.

She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. And never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proud she'll wave her young and independent hand this morning and say "Goodbye" and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.

Now she'll learn to stand in lines and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for the sounds of school-bells and deadlines and she'll learn to giggle and gossip and look at the ceiling in a disinterested way when the little boy 'cross the aisle sticks out his tongue at her. And, now she'll learn to be jealous. And now she'll learn how it is to feel hurt inside.

And now she'll learn how not to cry.

No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch steps on a summer day and watch an ant scurry across the crack in the sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn and kiss lilac blooms in the morning dew. No, now she'll worry about those important things like grades and which dress to wear and whose best friend is whose. And the magic of books and learning will replace the magic of her blocks and dolls.

And now she'll find new heroes.

For five full years now I've been her sage and Santa Claus and pal and playmate and father and friend. Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers which is only right.

But, no longer will I be the smartest, greatest man in the whole world. Today when that school bell rings for the first time she'll learn what it means to be a member of the group with all its privileges and its disadvantages too.

She'll learn in time that proper young ladies do not laugh out loud or kiss dogs or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms or even watch ants scurry across cracks in sidewalks in the summer.

Today she'll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. And I'll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long, lonely journey to becoming a woman.

So, world, I bequeath to you today one little girl in a crispy dress with two blue eyes and a happy laugh that ripples all day long…and a flash of light blond hair that bounces in the sun when she runs.

I trust you'll treat her well.

Sniff, sniff……

G’Night G’Town!

My wife Stephanie and I just got back from a weeklong trip in Minocqua with our kids, Lyndsy and Buck. It was a great trip. We stayed in a beautiful cabin on a picturesque lake. The weather was as perfect as you can get, and we didn’t see a mosquito all week! While there, we did all the usual family stuff including boating, fishing, swimming, shopping, horseback riding, go-carting, treasure hunting, casino hopping and hit just about every attraction that will keep a 3 or 4 year-old’s interest (Lyndsy is 4 and Buck is 3). We must have done a good job at keeping them interested, as they were both extremely disappointed that we had to leave after being there for 7 whole days.

It is so cliché to talk about, but our biggest problem with the kids all week was the five-hour ride up there, and the subsequent return trip home. We have a SUV that has a DVD player in it, and even that couldn’t keep the kids occupied enough not to whine the entire way up. If given a dollar for every time we heard “Are we almost there?” I think we could have easily covered the entire price of the vacation. Luckily, the anticipation of the trip kept everyone in a good mood, so the drive up wasn’t too bad. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about the ride home. Both our kids caught major colds while we were up there, so when it came time to leave, they were both grumpy to begin with. Couple that with them not wanting to leave in the first place, and I can tell you, they were not exactly what you would call “happy campers” when we began our journey home.

Anyone that’s raised children knows that times like these truly test what sort of fortitude you have of trying to be a perfect parent. For instance, after listening to Buck cough and cry for the first two hours of the trip home, we decided the best way to keep our sanity was to pump him full of enough cough syrup to make him a non-factor for the rest of the ride (c’mon…of course we followed the recommended dosage!). While that trick worked well for Buck, Lyndsy was bound and determined to make our entire ride home truly miserable. She whined and cried the entire way, and at some point decided she was going to tell us that she wants to go to Betty Brinn (the children’s museum in Milwaukee). She then proceeded to tell us this over, and over, and over, and over again! Now, between Steph and I, I’m normally the more patient parent, and whining like this normally doesn’t bother me. But after hearing Lyndsy cry out her ten-millionth, “I want to go to Betty Brinn”, I blurted out, “BETTY BRINN IS DEAD!”. Luckily, Lyndsy’s own whining prevented her from hearing me say that, so no harm was done. My comment did however at least give Steph and me a good chuckle for the rest of the way home.

So, all in all, we truly had a great family vacation. We are already talking about doing something similar next year. However, Steph and I both agreed we’d plan it somewhere MUCH closer to home!

A classic Buck moment from our vacation............


G’Night G’Town!

The alternative to a vacation is to stay home and tip every third person you see.
~Author Unknown

 

 

No, Germantown isn’t getting a new Applebee’s! Be happy we are getting a Sendik’s for crying out loud!

Anyway, back in January, I posted a blog titled “Free Applebee’s Coupons”. I did it really as a joke to see if having a title like that would increase the amount of “hits” or visitors to my blog. Well, I am proud to say that as of today, more than 12,000 people have opened up that particular blog. Personally, I find some humor in the fact that there are 12,000 people out there that probably hate my guts for wasting their time.

Of course, if I was truly interested in increasing my readership beyond my parents and myself (I read my own blogs at least twice per day), I guess I could start using catchier titles. Something like “Phelp’s gold medals” or “Angelina Jolie Naked” or “Obama Sex Tape” would probably draw some readers in?

Sorry, but I have to run now so I can go and get my “FREE iPhone” (ha, ha!).

G’Night G’Town!

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.  ~Erma Bombeck

I have no idea who reads this blog (or why you would want to in the first place!), but I’m wondering if any of you commute into Milwaukee on a daily basis? You see, for the past few days, there has been a Milwaukee Sheriff’s Vehicle parked on the southbound side of Highway 41 somewhere near Hampton Avenue. This normally means trouble, as everyone will slow down for fear of a speeding ticket, or just to rubberneck as to what’s going on. This then causes a major backup. Contrary to what normally happens, this particular vehicle hasn't slowed anyone down thus far? In fact, if you've traveled this route in the past couple of years during rush hour, you’d know that the 55mph speed limit has become something of a joke. Simply put, a car traveling at 55mph along this stretch would likely cause major disruptions.

But anyway, I’m not sure if Milwaukee is doing some kind of a crack down on speeders, or if this is one of those “dummy” vehicles placed just to slow down traffic, or if the Sheriff in the car has choked and died on a doughnut, but I’m wondering why it’s there? Does anyone know? Honestly, I haven’t been able to take a close enough look at it while I’m whizzing past at 75mph.

G’Night G’Town!

Sheriff Branford: “The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.”
Buford T. Justice: “The god dam Germans got nothin' to do with it!”

                                    ~From “Smokey and the Bandit”

How often do you see an invention, a new product or just a trick that someone shows you, and you immediately say to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Well, on a recent fishing trip to Eagle River with my buddy Dave, I encountered one of those moments.

We were sitting around the campfire with Ray, our resort owner, shooting the breeze over some cocktails. Now, you have to understand that Ray, who's a chipper 69 years old, is as close to being retired as possible. Like most folks up in “da nort woods”, he counts every penny he can to get by. I’m not sure how the subject came up, but we were talking about freezing things such as meat or fish that you may have bought or caught in bulk. Someone mentioned that having an electric, vacuum sealer was a great way to accomplish this. That’s when Ray chimed in;

“Nah, you don’t need one of those fancy-schmancy gizmos. I just put the food into a baggie, which, by the way, you can get a box of 50 of the quart sized ones at that Dollar Store down in Rhinelander for a buck. Then I just take the straw out of my cocktail, zipper the bag almost shut and insert the straw. I then start sucking until I can’t suck anymore and seal it off as quickly as I can. It works great, and if you suck long and hard enough, it gives you a pretty good head rush too.” And as Ray told us that tip, I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I think of that.”

Well, having caught a bunch of salmon this week while on a Lake Michigan charter, I thought I’d give Ray’s trick a try and prepare some of my catch for the freezer. I got out my baggies, and I pulled out my cocktail straw, and just as Ray described, the method worked “slick as water off a ducks back!” And after my 5th bag of salmon filets was done, I quickly realized I had quite the head rush going on.

Thanks for that one Ray.

G’Night G’Town!

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.  ~Karl Marx

I read over the weekend that the Village of Thiensville is considering banishing the tradition of candy tossing from future parades. This is a result of this year’s Fourth of July Parade there, in which candy tossing “was out of control” according to village trustee John Treffert (read the full story here). Apparently, a kid ran out to get some tossed candy, and was hit by another kid riding a bike in the parade. Although a sad situation, it’s just an accident, and I’m sorry, but accidents happen. Banishing candy from future parades seems like a rather brash solution to an isolated incident.

If a kid falls off his bike in next year’s parade, will they then ban bikes from future parades? Yikes…what if a horse or dog in the parade were to bite someone? Would they then banish them from future parades as well? And oh my, what if the blast of a horn from a fire engine scares some kids and makes them cry? They’ll certainly need to banish emergency vehicles from all future parades.

Here’s a thought…maybe Thiensville should just line up all of the parade participants and floats on a street and simply have spectators walk past the parade to view it. That sure would be safe now wouldn’t it? Of course, someone walking might trip on a crack in the sidewalk and…well, I think you get my point here.

Accidents happen.

G’Night G’Town!

Within the past month, I’ve heard several different people use the phrase “a pork chop in every can” when referring to beer. The premise being: "Why bother eating something, as you can get just as much nutrition from a can of beer than you can from a pork chop?"

Hmmmm…that’s certainly an interesting concept.

Any die-hard beer drinker clearly knows that interrupting a good beer drinking binge with some food will certainly absolve most of the mind altering properties one was hoping to achieve with downing a 12-pack in the first place. With that being said, it certainly supports the premise of “a pork chop in every can”.

One could also argue that the act of opening a can of beer is much simpler than cooking up a pork chop. There’s certainly no grill to light, no grease on the stove, no dishes to clean up and you don’t have to wash your hands after drinking a beer. And on top of that, have you seen the price of pork lately? Once again, these points all support the premise of “a pork chop in every can”.

Being the inquisitive soul that I am, I checked out the nutritional values of both the beer and the pork chops in question. Turns out that a can of beer has 1 gram of protein, and a pork chop has 20 grams of protein. Beer has 0 grams of fat and a pork chop has 11 grams of fat. Based on the nutritional value of both beer and pork chops, you can conclude that one would have to drink twenty beers to get the same protein content as one pork chop. And, in doing so, one would incur zero grams of fat in the process. It’s complicated math, I know, but based on my research, I now see where the phrase “a pork chop in every can” comes from, and I fully support the premise behind it.

I have to run now, as my kids are bugging me to make some dinner for them. Boy, this is going to be easy!

G’Night G’Town!

“This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!” - Friar Tuck in ‘Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves’

A couple of nights ago, I was lying in bed thinking about the old Northridge Mall (yes, that is the sort of thing that keeps an insomniac up at night). Although I really haven’t been near Northridge since it closed many years ago, I still have a lot of memories from that place.

- I remember the tobacco store called “The Tinder Box”. They had a HUGE walk-in cigar humidor, way before cigar smoking became chic. Of course, back then, you could openly smoke pretty much anywhere in the mall. The Tinder Box also sold a great variety of snuff.

- I remember the incredible smell of cinnamon, butter and sugar that lingered on the north side of the mall from that bakery called Tiffany’s. This was way before Food Courts became standard fixtures in malls.

- While I’m on the subject of food, do you remember the café that was inside of Woolworth’s in the mall?

- I remember that obnoxiously long and dark hallway you had to walk down to get to a restroom.

-  Remember the place up on the second floor called “Hickory Farms”? As a fat kid growing up, those big display boxes of various cheeses and sausages were always very intriguing to me. I’d often think to myself “Man, when I grow up and have some money, I’m buying one of those gift packs all for myself!”

- Speaking of a fat kids dream, do you remember the huge candy shop in Sears? That place rocked! Some of my favorites were the Candy Raisins and the Red Raspberries (tasted like Swedish Fish, but they were way better). If my memory serves me right, they also had a big candy store in Gimble’s when it was there.

- I remember going back and forth between Galaxy of Sound and Musicland to see which store had the latest KISS album for sale the cheapest.

- I remember frequenting that place called Captain’s Steak Joint. We’d go there for happy hour just because they had that awesome cheese fondue dip for free!

- I remember when the entrance for the movie theatres was on the lower level. It’s strange to think that a “Six-plex” back then was considered a HUGE theatre! I also remember having my buddy Brad’s mom swindling some guy to “smuggle” Brad and me in to see “Apocalypse Now” because we were only 14 years old when it came out. I also remember the midnight showings of Rocky Horror, Led Zeppelin’s “The Song Remains the Same”, Night of the Living Dead and various other movies. The smoky haze in the theatres back then wasn’t just from cigarettes!

Unfortunately, the mall took a turn for the worse in the 1990’s, and became somewhat of a scary place to go. It’s too bad, since I’m sure many others have a lot of good memories from there like I do.

G’Night G’Town!

When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.  ~Steven Wright

 

Is it just me, or are you as tired as I am of seeing videos of that house in Lake Delton being gobbled up by the recent floodwaters? Honestly, I watched the WTMJ Channel 4 News over the weekend, and they showed that video at least 10 times during the ½ hour news broadcast. They also spent a full 20 minutes on flood related coverage, followed by 7 minutes of weather, and 3 minutes of sports. My goodness…is nothing else happening in Milwaukee or Wisconsin?

I feel terrible for those affected by the floods, but this all happened a few weeks ago and we are now well into the “clean-up” phase, so enough already! We get it! We had a lot of rain and some flooding occurred! Yes, we know Lake Delton was drained out! Yes, we know rivers are at flood levels throughout most of the southern ½ of our state! Yes, we know it might rain today, tomorrow or the next day, but do you really need to have the weather guy sitting at the news desk at the beginning of the newscast?

For some time now, I have been appalled with our local news media and their entire “Breaking News” format. All they seem to focus on is gloom and doom, and using shock value to instill fear into anyone that watches. Just once, I’d like to see a newscast that tells of some good things going on around our state. And if they want to cover the flood anymore, make it beneficial to those affected by it, and offer some news information they can actually use.

And please, stop showing me that poor family’s house floating down the Wisconsin River.

G’Night G’Town!

Weather forecast for tonight:  dark.  ~George Carlin – R.I.P.

I've always been infatuated with tornadoes. I watch T.V. shows about them, I love watching news clips about them, I constantly dream about them, and I truly believe that one will actually hit me someday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of tornadoes; in fact, I look forward to the day I actually get to see one coming at me.

But herein lies a problem. The property where I live is heavily wooded, and any good view of the western sky is pretty much blocked by trees. If a tornado were coming straight at me, I likely wouldn’t see it until it was right on top of the house. On top of that, active railroad tracks run adjacent to my property. We’ve all seen countless video clips of the guy from the trailer park recently hit by a tornado that exclaims, “I was just standin’ there drinkin’ my beer, whens I heard what I thought was a freight train a comin’ right through my dang kitchen!” Fact is, I hear freight trains coming right through my kitchen 24 hours a day! As I stood on my porch this past weekend, mesmerized by the awesome storms that were rolling through, at least three different trains went by during the peak of the storm. So you can just picture me dropping my beer, running into the house like an idiot yelling, “hit the basement!” only to realize it was just another train going by.

All my life, there have been certain things I just knew were going to happen, and eventually they did. I’m certain my house will be hit by a tornado someday, and I really hope I’m there to witness it when it happens. And I certainly hope that when a tornado really does come, I don’t do something stupid like stand on my porch and say, “Oh, don’t worry about that noise, it’s just a train”.

G’Night G’Town!

Lolita: Hi, I'm Lolita, and this is Tanqueray.
Tanqueray: Since we're all about to die, we were wondering if you guys'd like to be our last boyfriends on earth?
Beavis: Tornadoes are cool, they can drive matches through a 2x4.
Butt-head: Yeah, a tornado can smash a poodle's face with a brick.
Beavis: They can suck a heart out of a man's chest and show it to him before he dies. Tornadoes are cool.